i need to sleep

Im really so mentally tired and i need some quality sleep.

I need a mental break from work stuff.

I need a break from the routine.

I need a break from responsibilities and duties.

Oh, i cant. Because its reality.

When the papa is out of town...

Ever heard of murphys law? Whatever can go wrong , will go wrong. And shits like to happen when le hub is overseas for work trip  - always!

His first trip - baby rolled off the bed. I was totally traumatised as i havent encounter such incidents before. I was so scare aiden will die or suffer serious injuries. Luckily he was supported by one bolster underneath his tummy.

2nd trip - tui lao sai/ want vomit and i had to tula baby down at the unearthly hour to let tui relief himself

3rd trip - aiden poonami in the morning and shit all the way back to his clothes, stained his mattress everything WHEN IM ABOUT TO LEAVE THE HSE FOR WORK!!!

4th trip - Aiden tio fever and couldnt send him to school. Had to takr urgent leave and subsequent day my mummy came to help

5th - how heng can we be. Ahwai flew on monday 21st morning and i sent baby to sch as usual, at work i received an email update from school that HIS CLASS HAS 3 HFMD CASES. i usually bypass or briefly browse the email till i saw his class......

Picked him from school and the number increased to 5cases.
Paranoid mother then webt to wash his tula and spray the sanitizet anywhere i can. Immunity balm bua gaogao.

This morning i sent him to school and teacher say to monitor. The class was almost empty except for 1 girl.
So i left for work. Teacher called and told me they found an ulcer on his tongue so i had to go back HENG AH I HAVEN BOARD TRAIN COS TODAY SUDDENLY QUEUE VERY LONG. and so i u turned back...

Brought him to the doc and cfm tio Hmfd. See, tio bo. 4d oso not so zhun. Always happen when im alone.

On the brighter note, i learnt to cook him a proper meal - porridge with threadfin 午鱼 which i keep reading as 牛鱼 (blame it on the lack of slp). Luckily i didnt not tell the person i want buy 牛鱼 when i order and some carrot.

Half a day and im half dead too.

Hope the lil boy can GWS and pls dun fall sick in nov and dec cos i exhausted all my ccl and leave liao. And work is v busy during nov and dec omg tigong pls bobi.

We are hitting the 10th month mark!

Days are long and months are short they say. It has been a life changing 9 months plus for hub and I, and erm, tui.

We look forward and got super excited when we see the lil bear grows or achieve a new mile stone. Be it growing a new tooth or shitting a solid put instead of his infant watery poop.

Some days we are really tired AF. Legit. Esp when he gets very cranky when we are super tired. But we are thankful that apart from those days , hes really considered as a easy going baby.

Tuitui has been very patient to baby. When he comes back from walk he will walk over to the play pen to say hi to baby and lie beside the fence. Or when baby comes back he will greet n sniff his feet at the pram. Bedtime he will choose to sleep beside his cot on the floor instead of his own bed. Cant ask for more for such a understanding companion.

And nope i didnt let them freestyle mingle together without supervision because (for the safety of tui), baby still tends to grab whatever is in his hand. Its damn pain i swear, got once he was so fast i couldnt stop him in time and tui growled a lil in pain. (not aggression. Just telling us its painful). Aiden loves tui alot. Everytime he sees tui walking over it makes him very happy and excited. And i really hope he can grow up to care and love for more animals.

So much has changed from the first few months and i couldnt complain cos life gets better each day (for now). There are times where he tit tit tio skin infection : thigh lah, broken skin around his asshole and kkb infection. It takes alottttt of patience and effort to clean with cool boiled water/ medicated solution, fan dry, apply moisturizer, medicine and diaper cream each time we change his diaper. Jincha. This one confirm is love from parents. Ahbo dunno where to find this motivation and discipline.

So whenever i feel damn tired or sian i will remind myself tt:
1) Nth beats the agony of breast feeding like that time
2) be appreciative of the 6 7 hours sleep vs 1.5 to 2 hours sleep back then
3) thou baby sleeps lesser now, he can interact and smile at us more
4) no need to hold his bottle for him lol
5) he can stay by himself in the playpen to play
6) no need to carry him and break my back while bathing him. Can just put in tub while he plays with the water
7) meal times are more fun with solid food
8) shit are easier to clear now that its ji liap ji liap
9) sometimes he helps to hold the leash when we baby wear him for walks with tui
10) hes healthy and happy.

Tomorrow marks his 10th month in the world and we are going to Aussie perth in 2 months time! Hurray! Collected his passport 2 days ago and i cant wait for this vacation. Thou there are no real off days as a mummy/daddy but i guess that might be what we needed after a whole year of firefighting.

Ok ciaos and have a great day peeps!

The most traumatizing day of my life

And so here i am back at this space to pen down what just happened this morning.

Its day 2 of home alone (hub went overseas for biz trip)  and i was quite thankful for a gd night slp.  Baby woke up and smiled like an angel.

Fed him and changed diaper and was rushing for work.

Prepped him and left him on bed, looked at the surrounding and thought to myself,  it should be fine.  Almost eft without blocking his legs angle but i decided to put a bolster there jus in case. And i quickly rush to prepare food for tui.
He was making some random talking sound in the room and just when i opened the packet of kibble,  it was all too silent.  And came a freakimg loud cry.

I chionged back to the room at full speed only to find the bed empty.

Im fucked.

The worse scene ive ever seen with baby on the floor crying face down. Thank god for the bolster i put because it helped to cushion him.

Picked him up and i was trembling so badly.  He was crying so badly too.

But you know what, im really really thankful for aiden as my son because he is such a brave and sensible boy.  He cooled down and stopped within 5 mins while his mother continued to cry and madly apologising to him.

He had a red bruise on the right side on his eye brow which has subsided by now.

Moral of the story - never ever be too complacent.

I knew there might be a chance tt he will fall and i was just thinking about it at the back of my head. But somehow i decided to take the chance and i fucking regretted it.

Lesson learnt.

And im also very grateful for my neighbours bu pa and bu ma which came over to check on us.

And my lady boss which called me and offered to drive over and help.

Really... 

Goodbye Breastfeeding

Ok, Ive been struggling and having internal conflict within myself as to stop breastfeeding or not ever since confinement.

Every other night i sat on the couch,  feeling depressed and guilty for having this thought, but at the same time wondering how life would be better if i didnt had to endure all these pain.

Many people would think that "wah you where will have problem,  so much milk"
But having an oversupply is also a problem.  (but im still thankful that ive enough for baby as well as able to latch him properly as compared to many others who are struggling).

For me,  the pain from the engorgement,  let down etc is really far worse than being cut up during c sect.  The pain is constant. When im feeding,  its the toe clenching latching pain when baby first sucked and u will have to tahan it till he gets the right angle. When im not feeding,  theres this trinkling, sore, aching feeling. And when its hard like a rock,  its sore and bruised and you can barely breath or walk like a normal person. 

Wearing BrA hurts too esp when it compresses ur boobs and when it bua against ur,  erm,  nips. Without bra,  you have this suprr heavy feeling and constantly stained tee.  I tried pasting breast pad on my tee lah but they keep falling off so i decided to do away with it.

I had a few break downs from this journey cos its really taxing on me on all levels - emotionally n physically.  So one find day i decided,  ok i guess its time to stop once i go back to work in march.

I read countless articles,  searched countless threads on facebook pages N posts to find out how to start weaning.

I was latching on demand for the whole of nov to jan, and this could mean i need to feed baby evert 1 to 2 hour interval - whenever he cries. About 12 feedings a day.  U cant drag cos u dunno how much he drinks each time.  At night if my timing doesnt match with his,  i will have to get up to pump,  only to return to bed and have him wake up 30mins later. The initial stage during confinenent was worse cos i will feed one side about 15min,  wait for him for 1 hour jus staring at him hoping he will wake to feed on my other side. By the time he wakes up,  my first boob engorge again. IT WILL NEVER BE EQUAL.  On good days he had a gd latch i get to have lighter and softer boobs for 2 hrs plus before everything happens again.

So from mid Jan i (fortunately) fall sick and had to pump and throw my milk due to the med.  I thought it was a good chance to also let baby try out the frozen excess milk to see if he is ok with them.

At this pt i was torn between to continue latching or switch over to fully pump and bottle feed because...

Latch pros:
- Get to shut baby up faster,  just insert boob into mouth
- bonding?
- go out no need bring pump because baby is my portable pump
- baby helps to clear clogged ducts more efficiently
- no need to wash as much things as compared to pumping

Latch cons:
- no personal time to breath because u are always on standby to feed.
- morning or night im the one doing feeding because the husband has no milk

Pumping pros:
- i get to know how much baby is drinking
- get to have a schedule e.g feed every 3 hour/ pump every 3 hour
- husband or other ppl can help to feed here and there

So eventually...  Pumping is not that bad afterall.  From 12 feedings a day (solely latch)  i drop to 8 feedings.  I try to pump in the day and latch at night.

But still,  the pain didnt stop at all.  Im sti having bruised and stabbing pain everyday.  I went to see a dr but only to pay $38 to have her telling me its normal?!  Wad to do apart from Sucking it up and bear with the pain. I also engaged a massage lady to help me clear the boob.  She said mine was so bad i had to so 2 sessions 1.5hr at a go. $120. And only helps to relief HALF A DAY.  Awesome.

I manage to drop pump till 4 to 5 hourly and it was good till CNY.  ZZZ.  My boobs suddenly went hay wire and i had lots of clogged ducts. The bruised pain is fucking fucking painful.  I couldnt clear it myself and had to get lehubz to knead it till i cry. 

Oh did i mention tt i couldnt sleep side ways as it engorge faster/clogged the boob if its being compressed on if i slp side way..  So i end up sleeping fsce up for the pasts mths. Sian.

Ive tried drinking milk killer tea,  also no use. 

My last resort was to get the dostinex pill from my friend (prescribed by dr) to stop milk production.

I had another episode of mastitis and fever and i tell myself thats it. Im gonna pop the pill and stop this shit. Everynight i imagine how wonderful life would be if i dont have to bf anymore~ i would be so much happier,  more cheerful .

烦

2.23am.

Pumped and squeeze till my hands gonna break and neh sore like hell but theres still block ductssssssss.

Sitting on the sofa, feeling tired but too mentally occupied.

I really need a med or xian dan to help quieten down my mind.

I need zen, peace, tranquillity.

Always there for me

On a side note among all the anger and frustrations..

The trigger point that made me  broke down and cried ladt night was when tui look for me in the kitchen while i was combining the milk to freeze, at 4am.

He usually will just sleep and lie on his bed to accompany me and not move around (sometimes too lazy to even go back to the room after i did). But ytd, he suddenly came into the kitchen as if he knew i wasnt alright. That was when i squat down and hugged him and my emotions just ran wild.

Back to the living room, when the husband came out, he faster climb up to the sofa beside me. Im not sure if hes trying to siam ahwai thinking that hes gonna drag him down to pee again or was he trying to "protect"/ comfort or help me hide my tears. But that moment i felt the love and comfort from his fatty body.

Hes not the type of dog who will come up to wag tail at u furiously or fetch a toy to ask u play with him to cheer u up. But hes always there when i needed him emotionally.

I was telling the husband and aidens owner the other day that im actually quite worried of tui not eating and finishing his food. The amount hes eating is so little , and unless i sit down/ handfeed him, he will jus leave his dinner there.

Then the next few days he actually auto finished his breakfast AND DINNER on his own.

This morning when i had to wake up to feed baby at 6am, before i even go out of the room, i saw his little head popped at my mbr door , checking and waiting for me. And he followed me out AGAIN for the feeding....

:( i really love u alot tuitui. What am i gonna do without u next time....