想你了

2nd mth without you

I really miss you so much buddy. 

Ytd night i dreamt of you and joyjoy. Something about u paasing and joy left on the same day after 2 hrs..

She has been struggling alot and fjghting the cancer and tumours for the longest time. 

Pls sens her some light and guide her along so she can transit smoothly.

I know you want me to celebrate ur life, those good times. But i cant help but to think of the final moments we spent together, i cant help but to cry when i think of the good days..

I know u were with us at times. When i was changing aiden after he showered, and the day when we rented car to go out without aiden, u were at the back seat cos i had this super urge to turn back and look at the corner that u use to sit. 

Really hope for the day we can meet again, with me remembering every bits and pieces of the meeting.. not jus flashes of dreams that i cant recall much.. 

I trust that u are doing fine above. I just, really.. miss you.

Alot. 

Cny isnt the same without you..

Its the first year without you taking family photo with us. 

Were you in the car with us yesterday? I felt the need to turn my head over and check on the side you would usually sit at. And you would turn over and flash me a contented smile..

We all missed you so much buddy. Aiden misses you, i know... he silently kissed the pillow of you today, im sure he would kiss u in person now if u are still here..

Ahwai misses you too.. im not sure how to comfort him bcos i have not stop thinking about you either.. 

Im strong by the day, when i can occupy myself taking care of aiden, but it comes to pockets of free time.. i wondered where u are..

Did u just went away for a shortawhile, can u come back to us already? Why does it feels just like yesterday when u were still around us. How did everything just took a down turn in 2 months and then you were gone..

My 2020 memory with you is so vague bcos of the pandemic and i know i havent spent enough time with u.. all i could remember most were the nights u specially climbed up the bed and sleep with us.. those nights where i told you how much i treasure these times hugging u to sleep and uts just us. Those nights i know i will miss the most.. idk why but i know i had to treasure every single night u come up. And the night u came up and fell down while gg down.. that was when u were sick already. My heart still stop whenever i think about that moment. Thank you for trying so much for me. I dont want you to suffer....  

I dunno why u chose to leave us so early and why 2020... isit i have to do more in 2021? And u chose to free up this part of my life so that i could focus more on aiden/ myself/ marriage and my goals in life?

Isit bcos our time is up and you have finished guiding me on what u have supposed to do..

Can we ever go back to the past and revist the good old days where i visit u in shelter and bring u out for super long hours of walks, just me and u under the hot sun, taking pit stops at bus stops.. those days i smuggled u home for stayca when my parents go overseas and u went right into my bedroom and climbed up my bed like u know its urs.. those days when we would bring u and toytoy out for adventures.. those days when we just go up to rooftop and chill and look at the passing cars.. 

How can we ever......

I am really afraid that these memories will fade with time as much as i wanted to remember them clearly...