...

Its so hard to be a parent. I am fighting so hard to keep my saint and maintain my cool whenever aiden whines non stop for something or when hes into the DONT WANT DONT WANT I DONT WANT mode when he cannot absorb a single shit we say. No fucking things can pacify him. 

And when lehub comes into pic, most likely he will melt down for the next 30min at least. And by then i couldnt stop. But its bcos he didnt listen to me in the first place. When i try to intervene it becomes my fault for not being able to hold it and like i 宠坏 him. And this causes strain between me and hubz. I didnt wan to let aiden cry so long bcos later he will choke or cry till flu and the noise, nth good comes out of it. I dunno wad i shud fucking do at times like this. I cant walk away. I feel i shud still be there to let aiden noe if he needs comfort and 想通， im there. But am i really capable of being a mother. Idk....

I really dunno wats the best way. If i scold it feels like i cant control my own emotions and ego as an adult. If i let it be, it builds up, and on days tt im really having shorter patience due to lack of quality sleep, the irritatedness just builds up. 

Sometimes i feel like a slave at the beck and call of aiden. Hes not exactly a bad child, he does says thank you etc but at the same time maybe my leniency led him to taking me for granted: mummy i want watch tv, mummy i dun wan this channel, mummy i wan drink water, mummy i dont want that, mummy i want my toy... and it goes on.

And during times that hes at the tired and cranky stage, its worse. Do u noe we are tired too. 

Im v tired mentally and physically even thou i had my leaves last few days. 

Sometimes i feel like im going to just loose it and scream like a crazy woman or maybe i shud jus disappear. 

4th month

Yesterday was your 4th month.

A fly fly (look like ant) came landing on my arms when i was calling ocbc, the hubz caught and release it out but it came back again. Flying around us and stopping at the window wall. 

It hit aiden's head and aiden say the flyfly bite me😂 i told hub to leave it as it could be tuitui.

After tt it landed in my toast box curry chicken.

I would believe its you buddy. Thank you for visiting us.

Im not sure if u are the little tiny fly that joined us for ac class last weekend. But it landed infront of us, the students. And then when i read bCk my readings, u said u will be there with me in the class.

Thank you buddy. I love you...

Thank you universe

Thank you for sending me clients who have an open heart and trust in me to provide animal comm session + healing for their pets. 

想你了

2nd mth without you

I really miss you so much buddy. 

Ytd night i dreamt of you and joyjoy. Something about u paasing and joy left on the same day after 2 hrs..

She has been struggling alot and fjghting the cancer and tumours for the longest time. 

Pls sens her some light and guide her along so she can transit smoothly.

I know you want me to celebrate ur life, those good times. But i cant help but to think of the final moments we spent together, i cant help but to cry when i think of the good days..

I know u were with us at times. When i was changing aiden after he showered, and the day when we rented car to go out without aiden, u were at the back seat cos i had this super urge to turn back and look at the corner that u use to sit. 

Really hope for the day we can meet again, with me remembering every bits and pieces of the meeting.. not jus flashes of dreams that i cant recall much.. 

I trust that u are doing fine above. I just, really.. miss you.

Alot. 

Cny isnt the same without you..

Its the first year without you taking family photo with us. 

Were you in the car with us yesterday? I felt the need to turn my head over and check on the side you would usually sit at. And you would turn over and flash me a contented smile..

We all missed you so much buddy. Aiden misses you, i know... he silently kissed the pillow of you today, im sure he would kiss u in person now if u are still here..

Ahwai misses you too.. im not sure how to comfort him bcos i have not stop thinking about you either.. 

Im strong by the day, when i can occupy myself taking care of aiden, but it comes to pockets of free time.. i wondered where u are..

Did u just went away for a shortawhile, can u come back to us already? Why does it feels just like yesterday when u were still around us. How did everything just took a down turn in 2 months and then you were gone..

My 2020 memory with you is so vague bcos of the pandemic and i know i havent spent enough time with u.. all i could remember most were the nights u specially climbed up the bed and sleep with us.. those nights where i told you how much i treasure these times hugging u to sleep and uts just us. Those nights i know i will miss the most.. idk why but i know i had to treasure every single night u come up. And the night u came up and fell down while gg down.. that was when u were sick already. My heart still stop whenever i think about that moment. Thank you for trying so much for me. I dont want you to suffer....  

I dunno why u chose to leave us so early and why 2020... isit i have to do more in 2021? And u chose to free up this part of my life so that i could focus more on aiden/ myself/ marriage and my goals in life?

Isit bcos our time is up and you have finished guiding me on what u have supposed to do..

Can we ever go back to the past and revist the good old days where i visit u in shelter and bring u out for super long hours of walks, just me and u under the hot sun, taking pit stops at bus stops.. those days i smuggled u home for stayca when my parents go overseas and u went right into my bedroom and climbed up my bed like u know its urs.. those days when we would bring u and toytoy out for adventures.. those days when we just go up to rooftop and chill and look at the passing cars.. 

How can we ever......

I am really afraid that these memories will fade with time as much as i wanted to remember them clearly... 

Parenting is so hard

Sigh, its another day picking aiden up and getting feedback from the teacher that "he is really active ah, he will push his classmate and beat the person because the person ask him dont sit down"

And then they will proceed to ask me if he is the only child at home.

This always makes me feel like a failure in bringing him up. But most of the time he doesnt exhibit these behaviours at home so i couldnt correct him.

I wanna end my friday being a loving mom and spending happy moments with him but my mood had to change because i felt the need to correct him and explain to him what he did was wrong. Then again i wasnt there to see what exactly happen to  judge and have a plan on how to teach him.

Isit a social stigma that only ONLY child pushes friends and display such behaviours or is this part of growing up? Do kids with siblings do these too? Doesnt mean i have a sibling i wont be a selfish kid. Or that i am naturally more tolerant just bcos i have siblings.

Why does everyone or majority of the people always presurize ppl to have more than 1 kid. Reason being: your child will be lonely, when they grow up at least they have a company, or when u grow old your child dont have to shoulder the burden of supporting you 2 alone. It will be hard on him mentally and financially. 

Isit wrong to just want 1 child?

And then i have ppl telling me that if i were to get another dog, den i should have another child instead of dog. Bcos dog cannot compare to a kid. A kid will grow up. And then i shouldnt split my love for aiden and focus on dog. Even 30% is also split. But hello if i have another kid i probably will neglect aiden by 80% bcos of the new kid?!