The most traumatizing day of my life

And so here i am back at this space to pen down what just happened this morning.

Its day 2 of home alone (hub went overseas for biz trip)  and i was quite thankful for a gd night slp.  Baby woke up and smiled like an angel.

Fed him and changed diaper and was rushing for work.

Prepped him and left him on bed, looked at the surrounding and thought to myself,  it should be fine.  Almost eft without blocking his legs angle but i decided to put a bolster there jus in case. And i quickly rush to prepare food for tui.
He was making some random talking sound in the room and just when i opened the packet of kibble,  it was all too silent.  And came a freakimg loud cry.

I chionged back to the room at full speed only to find the bed empty.

Im fucked.

The worse scene ive ever seen with baby on the floor crying face down. Thank god for the bolster i put because it helped to cushion him.

Picked him up and i was trembling so badly.  He was crying so badly too.

But you know what, im really really thankful for aiden as my son because he is such a brave and sensible boy.  He cooled down and stopped within 5 mins while his mother continued to cry and madly apologising to him.

He had a red bruise on the right side on his eye brow which has subsided by now.

Moral of the story - never ever be too complacent.

I knew there might be a chance tt he will fall and i was just thinking about it at the back of my head. But somehow i decided to take the chance and i fucking regretted it.

Lesson learnt.

And im also very grateful for my neighbours bu pa and bu ma which came over to check on us.

And my lady boss which called me and offered to drive over and help.

Really... 

Goodbye Breastfeeding

Ok, Ive been struggling and having internal conflict within myself as to stop breastfeeding or not ever since confinement.

Every other night i sat on the couch,  feeling depressed and guilty for having this thought, but at the same time wondering how life would be better if i didnt had to endure all these pain.

Many people would think that "wah you where will have problem,  so much milk"
But having an oversupply is also a problem.  (but im still thankful that ive enough for baby as well as able to latch him properly as compared to many others who are struggling).

For me,  the pain from the engorgement,  let down etc is really far worse than being cut up during c sect.  The pain is constant. When im feeding,  its the toe clenching latching pain when baby first sucked and u will have to tahan it till he gets the right angle. When im not feeding,  theres this trinkling, sore, aching feeling. And when its hard like a rock,  its sore and bruised and you can barely breath or walk like a normal person. 

Wearing BrA hurts too esp when it compresses ur boobs and when it bua against ur,  erm,  nips. Without bra,  you have this suprr heavy feeling and constantly stained tee.  I tried pasting breast pad on my tee lah but they keep falling off so i decided to do away with it.

I had a few break downs from this journey cos its really taxing on me on all levels - emotionally n physically.  So one find day i decided,  ok i guess its time to stop once i go back to work in march.

I read countless articles,  searched countless threads on facebook pages N posts to find out how to start weaning.

I was latching on demand for the whole of nov to jan, and this could mean i need to feed baby evert 1 to 2 hour interval - whenever he cries. About 12 feedings a day.  U cant drag cos u dunno how much he drinks each time.  At night if my timing doesnt match with his,  i will have to get up to pump,  only to return to bed and have him wake up 30mins later. The initial stage during confinenent was worse cos i will feed one side about 15min,  wait for him for 1 hour jus staring at him hoping he will wake to feed on my other side. By the time he wakes up,  my first boob engorge again. IT WILL NEVER BE EQUAL.  On good days he had a gd latch i get to have lighter and softer boobs for 2 hrs plus before everything happens again.

So from mid Jan i (fortunately) fall sick and had to pump and throw my milk due to the med.  I thought it was a good chance to also let baby try out the frozen excess milk to see if he is ok with them.

At this pt i was torn between to continue latching or switch over to fully pump and bottle feed because...

Latch pros:
- Get to shut baby up faster,  just insert boob into mouth
- bonding?
- go out no need bring pump because baby is my portable pump
- baby helps to clear clogged ducts more efficiently
- no need to wash as much things as compared to pumping

Latch cons:
- no personal time to breath because u are always on standby to feed.
- morning or night im the one doing feeding because the husband has no milk

Pumping pros:
- i get to know how much baby is drinking
- get to have a schedule e.g feed every 3 hour/ pump every 3 hour
- husband or other ppl can help to feed here and there

So eventually...  Pumping is not that bad afterall.  From 12 feedings a day (solely latch)  i drop to 8 feedings.  I try to pump in the day and latch at night.

But still,  the pain didnt stop at all.  Im sti having bruised and stabbing pain everyday.  I went to see a dr but only to pay $38 to have her telling me its normal?!  Wad to do apart from Sucking it up and bear with the pain. I also engaged a massage lady to help me clear the boob.  She said mine was so bad i had to so 2 sessions 1.5hr at a go. $120. And only helps to relief HALF A DAY.  Awesome.

I manage to drop pump till 4 to 5 hourly and it was good till CNY.  ZZZ.  My boobs suddenly went hay wire and i had lots of clogged ducts. The bruised pain is fucking fucking painful.  I couldnt clear it myself and had to get lehubz to knead it till i cry. 

Oh did i mention tt i couldnt sleep side ways as it engorge faster/clogged the boob if its being compressed on if i slp side way..  So i end up sleeping fsce up for the pasts mths. Sian.

Ive tried drinking milk killer tea,  also no use. 

My last resort was to get the dostinex pill from my friend (prescribed by dr) to stop milk production.

I had another episode of mastitis and fever and i tell myself thats it. Im gonna pop the pill and stop this shit. Everynight i imagine how wonderful life would be if i dont have to bf anymore~ i would be so much happier,  more cheerful .

烦

2.23am.

Pumped and squeeze till my hands gonna break and neh sore like hell but theres still block ductssssssss.

Sitting on the sofa, feeling tired but too mentally occupied.

I really need a med or xian dan to help quieten down my mind.

I need zen, peace, tranquillity.

Always there for me

On a side note among all the anger and frustrations..

The trigger point that made me  broke down and cried ladt night was when tui look for me in the kitchen while i was combining the milk to freeze, at 4am.

He usually will just sleep and lie on his bed to accompany me and not move around (sometimes too lazy to even go back to the room after i did). But ytd, he suddenly came into the kitchen as if he knew i wasnt alright. That was when i squat down and hugged him and my emotions just ran wild.

Back to the living room, when the husband came out, he faster climb up to the sofa beside me. Im not sure if hes trying to siam ahwai thinking that hes gonna drag him down to pee again or was he trying to "protect"/ comfort or help me hide my tears. But that moment i felt the love and comfort from his fatty body.

Hes not the type of dog who will come up to wag tail at u furiously or fetch a toy to ask u play with him to cheer u up. But hes always there when i needed him emotionally.

I was telling the husband and aidens owner the other day that im actually quite worried of tui not eating and finishing his food. The amount hes eating is so little , and unless i sit down/ handfeed him, he will jus leave his dinner there.

Then the next few days he actually auto finished his breakfast AND DINNER on his own.

This morning when i had to wake up to feed baby at 6am, before i even go out of the room, i saw his little head popped at my mbr door , checking and waiting for me. And he followed me out AGAIN for the feeding....

:( i really love u alot tuitui. What am i gonna do without u next time....

2am rant

Should i continue to torture myself like this? Lol why would mothers choose breast feeding......... 

The pain when baby bites or suck, the pain when boob engorge
The time taken to sit and feed or when we are out to pump etc
The stress when baby doesnt latch

So tired...

Bf-ing

Getting a lil frustrated when u see the time ticking away.

Woked up at 430am to feed. Baby latch for 15min on right side and stopped. its now 520. And im not done with feeding.

Could have slept for the 50min that he isnt drinking  :(  halpppp.

On a side note i ought to be thankful that hes not crying or really throwing tantrums.

But im tired...
Hungry, legs cramped from sitting in the same position for too long, sweaty and achy back for having to lean on the hot sofa cover + towel. Fml

累

Im very tired. Not because of the constant feeding and lack of sleep. Im very tired of the shit and nonsense my parents say behind my back or even infront of me.

Im tired of having to deal or even be affected by their negativity and super sensitivity.

Im tired of trying to send positiveness to them because everyshit oso can turn into me personal attacking them or just something bad.

Im tired of ppl questioning me or pin pointing say baby eyes red is 我害的 bcos i ate 1 2 mouth of muahchee after his eyes got puffy in the morning.

And then u have the mil who called and question u why u nv wipe the baby kouth and tongue got the white white thing.

Kan.

Fucking tired.