Weight goals / trauma

Was having this random conversation about yoga with Linda yesterday and I casually say I used to focus on how slim the ladies infront of me were in yoga classes and what they wear. And she commented: why must you be so affected / constantly affected about ur weight and compare with people? And she cited her friend as example who was more petite than me and a lil bah bah but still living confidently. At that moment, I was stun, and had the defensive side of me coming out to explain myself - erm thats just wad i like to do? I thought it was normal to envy people who had slimmer body? Cause i was at the back of the class, nth to do just see ppl lor..

Another part of me feels.. hmm she is one of the slim friends i envy at times. Perhaps she has never had the problem of being "fat".. so she couldn't understand. 

But at night when I was about to sleep, this topic came into my mind again. Why do I have to feel defensive and explain my actions? What causes me to feel that? Why am I constantly chasing the number on weighing scale to fit into the "slim" category that society normalise. When did all these started? Why cant i love myself and my body for what it is like? Why do I always have to seek validation to be slim?

So I back tracked my memory...

I guess it started in Primary school? Where I was being auto enrolled into the Trim And Fit club, aka the TAF Club which is suppose to help students who are overweight to "keep fit". I really hated that. Because when you are in the TAF club, u will lose ur freedom to eat and rest during recess time, we were ordered to report to the hall and do rounds of running, and were given bread/fruit (i dontttt eat fruits). All these to me are not motivation to be fitter, they are punishments to me. And i dont remember myself being obese, probably just more chubby than my fellow female classmates, they are all petite and skinny? On top of that, I was often mocked by friends to be in TAF club because they say TAF Club in reverse are meant for FAT people. And I was labelled there and than as f.a.t. I had another guy friend, whom I tink i had a mini crush on telling me "actually your face and top part of body is ok one, but your bottom half looks fat/cannot". Thou this sentence was said to me in primary school, it stick with me till now.  

I lost weight when I went into secondary school.. not the slimmest but at least when I meet back my primary school friends I had some positive feedback of oh, u dont look like last time (on their faces).. but i havent really felt that I was slim. 

In poly days, my weight was up and down, and due to constant late night supper, i went from 50kg to 57/58kg.  I literally look like a ball then, i remember wearing a baby pink pleated dress and the horror when I saw myself in that photo, i jitao look like a pregnant lady.  Quite thankful the boyfriend than didnt dump me for that when I look back hahaha. And than from then on i 冷藏 all pink clothes that i have. Until a point of time i decided ok its really time to lose some weight already. It was also the time i started volunteering at the shelter where i was 3 4 hours every weekend with the dogs , i tried cutting carbs together during lunch with ahmoon, i went for zumba everyweek with ah z, and i jog/walk alkost every night. So my weight went down to 50kg after a few months.

From then on my weight floated between 51kg to 54kg here and there. Wasnt really satisfied at times but bubble tea was too hard for me to give up on. 

Everytime i look at the mirror i can only see how "fat" i was, because the friends around me, mostly are within the min. 38kg to 50kg range. U know at the age where people dress up go party in heels, make up gaogao and all 😂 standing together with them, Im still on the bigger side. And i envy how people go bangkok can fit into all the smaller pants while i have to find L or XL (Eh but this one really due to cutting). 

My slimmest time when i never bother to diet or think about my weight was in 2016/2017. I didnt bother to diet for my own wedding 😂 and in 2017 my weight keep gg down probably due to stress and workload (constantly have to 般货 in warehouse, and having to walk at least 20mins to and fro mrt to work). My face was sharp lol. Now i look back i would label myself then as slim. Legit. 

You dunno wad is fat until u have given birth. 

Pregnancy was good because I didnt had to care about how much i gain, even if its fats, i can just attribute to the baby haha. But when baby came out.......... you wonder if u can ever go back to the same size. With breast feeding i manage to shed off 11kg during the first 2 months, back to 56kg. But at the same time, maybe due to hormones, i developed hives and had to be on antihistamine medication almost everyday for 3 to 6 months. During that period i also stopped breast feeding (but my appetite remains cos im used to eating that amount). My weight unknowingly rocketed back to 64 65 kg within a year. And despite trying different methods here and there.. it just stuck there...

When I look at social medias, and my fellow mummy friends I really can't help but to wonder and envy, why they all can slim back so fast without even doing anything. Why some ppl are just born slim/ high metabolism rate while I have to struggle so much. 

It doesn't help when at work, I have those aunty colleagues whom im not close with, suddenly scanning me from head to toe and comment that I became fatter/gained weight. And then say it right infront of me. Then how u wan me to react? Ya lor i 肥liao..... and then? And then i went back to my seat feeling all shitty. No need to keep reminding me cause I know i gained weight and i didnt want it. This year Ive tried exercising alot more, ive went for Trampoline classes, signed up gym and PT for a while, went jogging, did Chloe ting video, tried monitoring my meals and cutting, tried drinking Susenji to shit it out, tried buying those candies that can poo out ur oil, everyone gave me a piece of their advice on how to lose weight. Intermittent fasting la, or 20% exercise 80% diet.. eat more salad and survive on vege..

Its not that i dont know, but i needed something that is sustainable for me in the long run. When I left my job in July i was 66kg. 🤯🤯🤯 (just 1 kg away from my highest preg weight). Really is red light.

6 months into leaving my job, i exercise almost every other day, be it jogging or walking, i signed up for gym as well and I cut my bbt and carbs... I am losing weight, not alot and infact it got stagnant for the longest time.

Am i still conscious about my body? Yes. Do i want to go back to 54kg? Do i still feel xiao sad when i see ppl slimming down or like mummies in really nice fitting clothes? Yes. But at the same time i am trying hard to accept myself for who I am now, and that i am not define by just how i look. Believing that I will get there some day if i consistently put in effort. 

Ok this is a freaking long post if anyone ever bothers to read. But i felt good penning down all the thoughts and reflecting on my weight struggling journey. Hopefully one day, the society will stop the stigma of slim/fat people and define their beauty/worth base on how they look. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder eh?

Hahaha, for now i guess we need to learn to love and embrace ourselves first. So we wont get affected by external noises. Ok bye, time to go jog.

Future.

Cant help but to feel the clock is ticking, and counting down to the hours we have with Odin.

1.5 more days to the potential adopter's viewing..

Do we really have to give him up?

I secretly hope that they cancel their viewing, or will our decision change to adopting him within the next day?

He really has improved alot. Thou idk how the future will be like, and definitely it will require more energy, but he also has brought much joy to our family, ok maybe not so much for the husband, more of me and aiden.

And walking him at night as a family gives hub and aiden a chance to bond and walk together..

How will life be if odin leaves us? We might just go back to "normal" but im sure there will be this emptiness in my heart, sometimes its a void that not just any dog can fill.. not what other people's pet or the community cats or the shelter dog can fill. 

Sigh... 

I love u odin, although its only 1 mth that i know you. Not a replacement for tui, but i love you for who you are. I hope you will find the best happiness in life if we are not the right family for u. I hope u find a family that can let u run freely like how u wished too. I hope they will be patient with u and let you do all the silly stuff and chew whatever u like/can. I hope they let u slp on bed tgt with them, and slp on sofa whenever you like. I hope they treat u better than we do. ❤

Odin the doormat thief

Its been 15 days since Odin came into our life. His appearance is so sudden. It brought joy, laughter, stress and also disruptions to our "almost peaceful life". 

I was happy we had a dog, but we wasn't ready for the commitment in training a young dog, such as separation anxiety and constant chewing of stuff and we had to put things out of sight. 

He is a great pup very smart and playful. And he is reallt gentle with Aiden, i would say they are like good buddies/bros. At times i even find them very alike, when they gek me lolol. 

With the stress, tears and considerations. I had to tell his rescuer that we are not ready to confirm adopting him. 

When she texted me that she has 2 potential adopters on hand, and will arrange for a viewing soon.... it jus felt so.. tbh sometimes i miss my old lifez but its also hard to imagine life without this boy.. thou its only been 2 weeks.

If i dont have a kid, i would probably keep him. But i have different roles in my life now.

All i hope now is he really can find a family or home that treats him better than we do, able to train him and give him space / chance to run around freely. Bcos hes really happy when he runs.

I / we miss having a dog.

Its been almost 9 months since you left us Tuitui. Sometimes we miss having a dog around the house.. or maybe we just miss having you. 

On normal days its okay, just that its exceptionally empty and lonely when we step into pet shops. Having nothing to buy for no one.

We window shopped different dogs over the past few months for fun, and viewed 2 of them. But one of them reminds us too much of your last days. And we both knew we are not ready for that again, especially with her weight. I almost fostered another senior dog thou wai wasn't as keen as me due to her age (or maybe no sparks). But thankfully she found a good home before she even came to our house.

I really dont know if we or am I ready for another one. Can i cope with a dog and aiden now? Will i feel tired or stress? I strived on because it was you.. and you really matters alot to me.

I am still waiting for your signs and you to come back with us. But i dont know when. Can u tell me anot. My heart so tired sia.

I would prefer an adult dog but that would me it will probably not be you if we were to adopt one now. 

Sigh...

How can I..

Happy bday to myself.

31st alr. And im showered with lots of love from everyone.

But back to topic. Fb has been circulating alot of abuse cases. Mainly one from amk where 10 cats has been slashed with deep wide wounds. 

I felt so helpless looking at the images.

Came across one comment where somebody suggested a proposal to let schools adopt a few animals each as their own, and also have cca to let kids take care of the animals to 培养 them about responsibility and kindness. The idea sound so good and exiciting..

Shandy ask why dont i start about making it come true instead of hoping. I thought of gathering the original poster, linda and maybe one mummy grp mummy who is a educarer/pre sch teacher to see how we can work towards this.

But sadly, i was always reminded that its tough bcos there are too many concerns and considerations to the safety and also having to deal with monster parents.

Am i day dreaming or being to naive? Is this achievable?

How can i help to make a change in my own ability? Instead of sobbing at posts, feeling sad and helpless, how can i contribute more with what i have and can cope to the animal welfare?

I was looking at fostering for the 1 to 2 mths im home. But at the same time, im scare later suddenly cb and aiden will be home / will requires alot of attention.. bcos my life is not just mine now. Plus i got no income to really have a say. I cant be unfair to the hubz also when making such decisions. 

How universe , how?

...

Its so hard to be a parent. I am fighting so hard to keep my saint and maintain my cool whenever aiden whines non stop for something or when hes into the DONT WANT DONT WANT I DONT WANT mode when he cannot absorb a single shit we say. No fucking things can pacify him. 

And when lehub comes into pic, most likely he will melt down for the next 30min at least. And by then i couldnt stop. But its bcos he didnt listen to me in the first place. When i try to intervene it becomes my fault for not being able to hold it and like i 宠坏 him. And this causes strain between me and hubz. I didnt wan to let aiden cry so long bcos later he will choke or cry till flu and the noise, nth good comes out of it. I dunno wad i shud fucking do at times like this. I cant walk away. I feel i shud still be there to let aiden noe if he needs comfort and 想通， im there. But am i really capable of being a mother. Idk....

I really dunno wats the best way. If i scold it feels like i cant control my own emotions and ego as an adult. If i let it be, it builds up, and on days tt im really having shorter patience due to lack of quality sleep, the irritatedness just builds up. 

Sometimes i feel like a slave at the beck and call of aiden. Hes not exactly a bad child, he does says thank you etc but at the same time maybe my leniency led him to taking me for granted: mummy i want watch tv, mummy i dun wan this channel, mummy i wan drink water, mummy i dont want that, mummy i want my toy... and it goes on.

And during times that hes at the tired and cranky stage, its worse. Do u noe we are tired too. 

Im v tired mentally and physically even thou i had my leaves last few days. 

Sometimes i feel like im going to just loose it and scream like a crazy woman or maybe i shud jus disappear. 

4th month

Yesterday was your 4th month.

A fly fly (look like ant) came landing on my arms when i was calling ocbc, the hubz caught and release it out but it came back again. Flying around us and stopping at the window wall. 

It hit aiden's head and aiden say the flyfly bite me😂 i told hub to leave it as it could be tuitui.

After tt it landed in my toast box curry chicken.

I would believe its you buddy. Thank you for visiting us.

Im not sure if u are the little tiny fly that joined us for ac class last weekend. But it landed infront of us, the students. And then when i read bCk my readings, u said u will be there with me in the class.

Thank you buddy. I love you...

Thank you universe

Thank you for sending me clients who have an open heart and trust in me to provide animal comm session + healing for their pets. 

想你了

2nd mth without you

I really miss you so much buddy. 

Ytd night i dreamt of you and joyjoy. Something about u paasing and joy left on the same day after 2 hrs..

She has been struggling alot and fjghting the cancer and tumours for the longest time. 

Pls sens her some light and guide her along so she can transit smoothly.

I know you want me to celebrate ur life, those good times. But i cant help but to think of the final moments we spent together, i cant help but to cry when i think of the good days..

I know u were with us at times. When i was changing aiden after he showered, and the day when we rented car to go out without aiden, u were at the back seat cos i had this super urge to turn back and look at the corner that u use to sit. 

Really hope for the day we can meet again, with me remembering every bits and pieces of the meeting.. not jus flashes of dreams that i cant recall much.. 

I trust that u are doing fine above. I just, really.. miss you.

Alot. 

Cny isnt the same without you..

Its the first year without you taking family photo with us. 

Were you in the car with us yesterday? I felt the need to turn my head over and check on the side you would usually sit at. And you would turn over and flash me a contented smile..

We all missed you so much buddy. Aiden misses you, i know... he silently kissed the pillow of you today, im sure he would kiss u in person now if u are still here..

Ahwai misses you too.. im not sure how to comfort him bcos i have not stop thinking about you either.. 

Im strong by the day, when i can occupy myself taking care of aiden, but it comes to pockets of free time.. i wondered where u are..

Did u just went away for a shortawhile, can u come back to us already? Why does it feels just like yesterday when u were still around us. How did everything just took a down turn in 2 months and then you were gone..

My 2020 memory with you is so vague bcos of the pandemic and i know i havent spent enough time with u.. all i could remember most were the nights u specially climbed up the bed and sleep with us.. those nights where i told you how much i treasure these times hugging u to sleep and uts just us. Those nights i know i will miss the most.. idk why but i know i had to treasure every single night u come up. And the night u came up and fell down while gg down.. that was when u were sick already. My heart still stop whenever i think about that moment. Thank you for trying so much for me. I dont want you to suffer....  

I dunno why u chose to leave us so early and why 2020... isit i have to do more in 2021? And u chose to free up this part of my life so that i could focus more on aiden/ myself/ marriage and my goals in life?

Isit bcos our time is up and you have finished guiding me on what u have supposed to do..

Can we ever go back to the past and revist the good old days where i visit u in shelter and bring u out for super long hours of walks, just me and u under the hot sun, taking pit stops at bus stops.. those days i smuggled u home for stayca when my parents go overseas and u went right into my bedroom and climbed up my bed like u know its urs.. those days when we would bring u and toytoy out for adventures.. those days when we just go up to rooftop and chill and look at the passing cars.. 

How can we ever......

I am really afraid that these memories will fade with time as much as i wanted to remember them clearly... 

Parenting is so hard

Sigh, its another day picking aiden up and getting feedback from the teacher that "he is really active ah, he will push his classmate and beat the person because the person ask him dont sit down"

And then they will proceed to ask me if he is the only child at home.

This always makes me feel like a failure in bringing him up. But most of the time he doesnt exhibit these behaviours at home so i couldnt correct him.

I wanna end my friday being a loving mom and spending happy moments with him but my mood had to change because i felt the need to correct him and explain to him what he did was wrong. Then again i wasnt there to see what exactly happen to  judge and have a plan on how to teach him.

Isit a social stigma that only ONLY child pushes friends and display such behaviours or is this part of growing up? Do kids with siblings do these too? Doesnt mean i have a sibling i wont be a selfish kid. Or that i am naturally more tolerant just bcos i have siblings.

Why does everyone or majority of the people always presurize ppl to have more than 1 kid. Reason being: your child will be lonely, when they grow up at least they have a company, or when u grow old your child dont have to shoulder the burden of supporting you 2 alone. It will be hard on him mentally and financially. 

Isit wrong to just want 1 child?

And then i have ppl telling me that if i were to get another dog, den i should have another child instead of dog. Bcos dog cannot compare to a kid. A kid will grow up. And then i shouldnt split my love for aiden and focus on dog. Even 30% is also split. But hello if i have another kid i probably will neglect aiden by 80% bcos of the new kid?!