Another part of me feels.. hmm she is one of the slim friends i envy at times. Perhaps she has never had the problem of being "fat".. so she couldn't understand.
But at night when I was about to sleep, this topic came into my mind again. Why do I have to feel defensive and explain my actions? What causes me to feel that? Why am I constantly chasing the number on weighing scale to fit into the "slim" category that society normalise. When did all these started? Why cant i love myself and my body for what it is like? Why do I always have to seek validation to be slim?
So I back tracked my memory...
I guess it started in Primary school? Where I was being auto enrolled into the Trim And Fit club, aka the TAF Club which is suppose to help students who are overweight to "keep fit". I really hated that. Because when you are in the TAF club, u will lose ur freedom to eat and rest during recess time, we were ordered to report to the hall and do rounds of running, and were given bread/fruit (i dontttt eat fruits). All these to me are not motivation to be fitter, they are punishments to me. And i dont remember myself being obese, probably just more chubby than my fellow female classmates, they are all petite and skinny? On top of that, I was often mocked by friends to be in TAF club because they say TAF Club in reverse are meant for FAT people. And I was labelled there and than as f.a.t. I had another guy friend, whom I tink i had a mini crush on telling me "actually your face and top part of body is ok one, but your bottom half looks fat/cannot". Thou this sentence was said to me in primary school, it stick with me till now.
I lost weight when I went into secondary school.. not the slimmest but at least when I meet back my primary school friends I had some positive feedback of oh, u dont look like last time (on their faces).. but i havent really felt that I was slim.
In poly days, my weight was up and down, and due to constant late night supper, i went from 50kg to 57/58kg. I literally look like a ball then, i remember wearing a baby pink pleated dress and the horror when I saw myself in that photo, i jitao look like a pregnant lady. Quite thankful the boyfriend than didnt dump me for that when I look back hahaha. And than from then on i 冷藏 all pink clothes that i have. Until a point of time i decided ok its really time to lose some weight already. It was also the time i started volunteering at the shelter where i was 3 4 hours every weekend with the dogs , i tried cutting carbs together during lunch with ahmoon, i went for zumba everyweek with ah z, and i jog/walk alkost every night. So my weight went down to 50kg after a few months.
From then on my weight floated between 51kg to 54kg here and there. Wasnt really satisfied at times but bubble tea was too hard for me to give up on.
Everytime i look at the mirror i can only see how "fat" i was, because the friends around me, mostly are within the min. 38kg to 50kg range. U know at the age where people dress up go party in heels, make up gaogao and all 😂 standing together with them, Im still on the bigger side. And i envy how people go bangkok can fit into all the smaller pants while i have to find L or XL (Eh but this one really due to cutting).
My slimmest time when i never bother to diet or think about my weight was in 2016/2017. I didnt bother to diet for my own wedding 😂 and in 2017 my weight keep gg down probably due to stress and workload (constantly have to 般货 in warehouse, and having to walk at least 20mins to and fro mrt to work). My face was sharp lol. Now i look back i would label myself then as slim. Legit.
You dunno wad is fat until u have given birth.
Pregnancy was good because I didnt had to care about how much i gain, even if its fats, i can just attribute to the baby haha. But when baby came out.......... you wonder if u can ever go back to the same size. With breast feeding i manage to shed off 11kg during the first 2 months, back to 56kg. But at the same time, maybe due to hormones, i developed hives and had to be on antihistamine medication almost everyday for 3 to 6 months. During that period i also stopped breast feeding (but my appetite remains cos im used to eating that amount). My weight unknowingly rocketed back to 64 65 kg within a year. And despite trying different methods here and there.. it just stuck there...
When I look at social medias, and my fellow mummy friends I really can't help but to wonder and envy, why they all can slim back so fast without even doing anything. Why some ppl are just born slim/ high metabolism rate while I have to struggle so much.
It doesn't help when at work, I have those aunty colleagues whom im not close with, suddenly scanning me from head to toe and comment that I became fatter/gained weight. And then say it right infront of me. Then how u wan me to react? Ya lor i 肥liao..... and then? And then i went back to my seat feeling all shitty. No need to keep reminding me cause I know i gained weight and i didnt want it. This year Ive tried exercising alot more, ive went for Trampoline classes, signed up gym and PT for a while, went jogging, did Chloe ting video, tried monitoring my meals and cutting, tried drinking Susenji to shit it out, tried buying those candies that can poo out ur oil, everyone gave me a piece of their advice on how to lose weight. Intermittent fasting la, or 20% exercise 80% diet.. eat more salad and survive on vege..
Its not that i dont know, but i needed something that is sustainable for me in the long run. When I left my job in July i was 66kg. 🤯🤯🤯 (just 1 kg away from my highest preg weight). Really is red light.
6 months into leaving my job, i exercise almost every other day, be it jogging or walking, i signed up for gym as well and I cut my bbt and carbs... I am losing weight, not alot and infact it got stagnant for the longest time.
Am i still conscious about my body? Yes. Do i want to go back to 54kg? Do i still feel xiao sad when i see ppl slimming down or like mummies in really nice fitting clothes? Yes. But at the same time i am trying hard to accept myself for who I am now, and that i am not define by just how i look. Believing that I will get there some day if i consistently put in effort.
Ok this is a freaking long post if anyone ever bothers to read. But i felt good penning down all the thoughts and reflecting on my weight struggling journey. Hopefully one day, the society will stop the stigma of slim/fat people and define their beauty/worth base on how they look. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder eh?
Hahaha, for now i guess we need to learn to love and embrace ourselves first. So we wont get affected by external noises. Ok bye, time to go jog.
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