Cny isnt the same without you..

Its the first year without you taking family photo with us. 

Were you in the car with us yesterday? I felt the need to turn my head over and check on the side you would usually sit at. And you would turn over and flash me a contented smile..

We all missed you so much buddy. Aiden misses you, i know... he silently kissed the pillow of you today, im sure he would kiss u in person now if u are still here..

Ahwai misses you too.. im not sure how to comfort him bcos i have not stop thinking about you either.. 

Im strong by the day, when i can occupy myself taking care of aiden, but it comes to pockets of free time.. i wondered where u are..

Did u just went away for a shortawhile, can u come back to us already? Why does it feels just like yesterday when u were still around us. How did everything just took a down turn in 2 months and then you were gone..

My 2020 memory with you is so vague bcos of the pandemic and i know i havent spent enough time with u.. all i could remember most were the nights u specially climbed up the bed and sleep with us.. those nights where i told you how much i treasure these times hugging u to sleep and uts just us. Those nights i know i will miss the most.. idk why but i know i had to treasure every single night u come up. And the night u came up and fell down while gg down.. that was when u were sick already. My heart still stop whenever i think about that moment. Thank you for trying so much for me. I dont want you to suffer....  

I dunno why u chose to leave us so early and why 2020... isit i have to do more in 2021? And u chose to free up this part of my life so that i could focus more on aiden/ myself/ marriage and my goals in life?

Isit bcos our time is up and you have finished guiding me on what u have supposed to do..

Can we ever go back to the past and revist the good old days where i visit u in shelter and bring u out for super long hours of walks, just me and u under the hot sun, taking pit stops at bus stops.. those days i smuggled u home for stayca when my parents go overseas and u went right into my bedroom and climbed up my bed like u know its urs.. those days when we would bring u and toytoy out for adventures.. those days when we just go up to rooftop and chill and look at the passing cars.. 

How can we ever......

I am really afraid that these memories will fade with time as much as i wanted to remember them clearly... 

Parenting is so hard

Sigh, its another day picking aiden up and getting feedback from the teacher that "he is really active ah, he will push his classmate and beat the person because the person ask him dont sit down"

And then they will proceed to ask me if he is the only child at home.

This always makes me feel like a failure in bringing him up. But most of the time he doesnt exhibit these behaviours at home so i couldnt correct him.

I wanna end my friday being a loving mom and spending happy moments with him but my mood had to change because i felt the need to correct him and explain to him what he did was wrong. Then again i wasnt there to see what exactly happen to  judge and have a plan on how to teach him.

Isit a social stigma that only ONLY child pushes friends and display such behaviours or is this part of growing up? Do kids with siblings do these too? Doesnt mean i have a sibling i wont be a selfish kid. Or that i am naturally more tolerant just bcos i have siblings.

Why does everyone or majority of the people always presurize ppl to have more than 1 kid. Reason being: your child will be lonely, when they grow up at least they have a company, or when u grow old your child dont have to shoulder the burden of supporting you 2 alone. It will be hard on him mentally and financially. 

Isit wrong to just want 1 child?

And then i have ppl telling me that if i were to get another dog, den i should have another child instead of dog. Bcos dog cannot compare to a kid. A kid will grow up. And then i shouldnt split my love for aiden and focus on dog. Even 30% is also split. But hello if i have another kid i probably will neglect aiden by 80% bcos of the new kid?!

Hello 2021

Hi buddy, i dreamt of you again last night. Thanks for appearing in my dream.

You were still sick but in better condition. U were sleeping quietly at a corner around us. U could walk some distance. And i tink i saw u licking/taking care of a baby. 

I miss u so...

Hello 2021

Hi buddy, i dreamt of you again last night. Thanks for appearing in my dream.

You were still sick but in better condition. U were sleeping quietly at a corner around us. U could walk some distance. And i tink i saw u licking/taking care of a baby. 

I miss u so...

Goodbye Tui - day 6

Today i smelled tuitui. A faint linger smell of his smelly blanket while i was lying on bed scrolling thru his picture..

Touched around and his blanket was near me, but it had been washed. Definitely not as smelly as before.

Could it be him saying hi?

I hoped so... 

blessed. utterly

Not sure why and how did we even meet these amazing strangers who do sooo much for tui and treat him like their own. Who rush down the moment we need help without even thinking  who dont mind clearing the shit of other's ppl dog. Whom i really dunno how to ever thank them.

dear angels and universe. Please bless my papa, bubu and fam, linda and fam, bui ma and fam and surround them with loving protecting white light always.

With super sincered and grateful heart,

May and tui

Sometimes

Its day 19, and today is the first day that tui has to be alone at home the whole day since diAgnosis as both of us had to go back office and linda is also not working from hone. 

Wore the diaper for him and he actually slept in the room the whole day from 7am to 6plus when i got home. He didnt move or flinch for 7 hrs, and there about occassional shifting so i couldnt see him on camera.

I was so worried tt he will soil himself the whole day and i checked the cctv i think about 20 to 30 times. 

Tried to comm him and he said he went off while leaving his body there since nobody is home, and that he will be back when we are back. To my surprise when i chiong home, he didnt pee at all!!! Neither did he drink or touch his breakfast :/

Brought him out for dinner with papa and gang at punggol container and he was having a time of his life parading in the pram...

That aside.. 

Sometimes i really feel so tired and helpless that i dont have enough time and energy for everything.

My day is basically work, come back settle aiden, settle whatever i can for tui, his food, cleaning him , bringing him for walks, reiki him if got extra time, and massaging him and feeding meds, putting aiden to bed.

This week i had to do 1 hr of self reiki in prep for my reiki2 this weekend. After reiki sometimes i had to clear some animal comm sessions and i al left with no time to really bond with the husband.

And the husband has been very emo these days. Idk how to help. And i am so tired, no matter how i ask him it wont be able to help the situation. I wont have enough love to go around as much as i want to show him some love.

I noe everyday is a routine. And everyday i had no choice but to place him as the last for attention because one too young, one dying.  And i feel selfish for even gg for my reiki course and that i had to spend 1 hr to myself ..

But.. 

I guess i have to hang on...

Not sure if we will ever be happy.