Setting myself for my old dog

Hi its me again after disappearing for so long. Covid has changed our lives and the way we live nowadays. Wearing masks every where we go  need to check in check out. But best thing is we get to work from home on somedays. 

That aside..

Tui is 10 this year and thou 10 might not be a super old age as they can live up to 18, hes also considerably a senior dog. 

These days, his appetite decreased. He skip his breakfast kibbles and dinner sometimes only eat few mouths.

He has also been sleeping more than usual except for our walk time.

Lehub recently found a lump at tuis chest while he was hugging him. And we brought him to barkway for a check. Unfortunately we cant detect anything much cos its surrounded by a layer of fats. And to test the egg size lump, will require a surgery (that is as big as my palm) and also $2k just to test.

We decided to wait and monitor as he wasnt feeling any pain. At the same time we engaged another AC to speak to tui (in case im too caught up by my own emotions). He say hes just feeling full. And he feels bloated after his meals. 

I asked if he will give me signs if hes about to pass. He replied : why would i do that? Plus im not leaving soon, didi is still young. (This is probably the greatest 安慰 i have from the session).

But a part of me also feel he might be leaving (not sure when but he wont be living till 18 yrs old.) A saw a view on him lying on my lap chilling at the beach. And idk if thats a sign for me that he wants that to be his last moments. 

Ytd i brought him for walk at roof top, it breaks my heart so much to see how he wanted to go up the grass patch so badly but have no confidence at all. He tried twice but fail and im afraid that he will fall backwards and hurt himself. He also peed 7 to 8 times which is not normal. Cos the 7 to 8 times got alot of pee not like hes trying to mark. And he even peed on concrete! He probably only pee on concrete 5 times or lesser in these 8 years. 

Back at home i tried to apply hot compress on him with essential oil. Not sure if my reiki works cos i havent been practicing on myself. But nontheless i jus try.

After bawling my eyes at roof top seeing how he became, hub carried him on our bed ( so its warmer n softer, he usually slps better thruout). I couldnt slp. 

Twist n turn and hear tui moving around like hes uncomfortable as well. And then he decided to go down. Which is wad im most worried of esp with his weak legs now. On his way down he fell before i could catch him. ☹☹☹☹😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And he lied there the whole night. I didnt dare to move him also.

Luckily morning he manage to walk and seems to be fine.

But this brings me to another point. 

Is he hanging on cos of my emotional attachment to him?

Am i delaying him?

Is he trying to teach me to separate my own emotions with healing works?

Is he here to "force" me to start practicing reiki daily on myself so i can progress?

Will he be here only till i start to kick off my ac biz officially?

Will he be there to grow with me?

Sometimes i feel im a failure cos i read so many spiritual book, attended courses etc and i jolly well know its its not goodbye even if they leave the world. I also noe the body is just a shell. But tbh i cant take the thought of him leaving even thou i have been preparing myself for the day bit by bit everyday. 

And he is the only one by far that makes my heart ache just bcos he couldnt be himself. Ytd night i told myself, hes just getting old. Hes not dying. If anything, we will just try to fix it. Just like how im sick or ppl get old, they lived with it and carry on with life. But another part of me cannot. 

This, is probably my job to work on myself. So i can cry but not to over worry, putting my emotional baggages on him, and causing him to hang on and suffer. I would rather he leave like toytoy, peacefully with us around and still in good shape.

Will try to fix 2nd opinion this sunday.

Fingers crossed.